Archive for April, 2010

Stand up to Hallmark!

Rants and Raves | Posted by Charles C. Cotton
Apr 26 2010

An acquaintance writes:

I just saw an ad on TV for Hallmark Cards. It showed a daughter visiting her mother for mother’s day and then leaving. The mother then goes to her desk and picks up a card for another child. The voice then says something like “Give her something she can keep for Mother’s Day. Give her a card.”

What the hell is the message here? It’s better to send a card to your parent than to visit? A card is better than being with someone you love? It seemed to me that Hallmark was putting down the visitor because she had to leave and suggesting that cards were better. Subtle, but nonetheless disturbing to me.

Here’s my greeting card-scrooge rant:

What totally mystifies me are people giving cards even though they go to see the person (like to a birthday party).

I mean, we go over to my in-laws (my parents happen to be dead, the story would be the same, however) and we give them a card for their fill-in-the-blank occasion (that’s in addition to a present if it’s their birthday for example).

But after having giving it some thought, I realized the whole point of “a card” was to send them a message, as in, you couldn’t tell them something in person / be with them so I sent you this card…

But since WHEN (cough*HALLMARK*cough) has “the card” become (part of) “the present”?

What a racket.  Then to add consumerism to injury, the recipient, seemingly right out of the commercial, ceremoniously reads the damn out-of-the-box poem / saying as if the giver wrote that pap themselves.

I like to give cards, but you should give cards for those times YOU will be there.

I honestly don’t care, dear reader, if that’s always been the case in your limited experience, I’m saying it DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.  *HALLMARK* *WANTS you to consider this some half-assed “tradition”.  BREAK THE CYCLE!  FIGHT THE SYSTEM!

If you’re THERE, YOU DON’T NEED TO GIVE A CARD. (only exception: money goes with it)

AND STOP GIVING CARDS FOR EVERY DAMN THING.  Thanksgiving Day cards?  HALLOWEEN CARDS? Oh come ON!

PEOPLE: TAKE BACK OUR CULTURE FROM THE MERCHANTS!

Yes, they still make Jiffy Pop.

Memories, Rants and Raves | Posted by Charles C. Cotton
Apr 25 2010

Jiffy PopNo, they haven’t improved it.  It still burns.

Everyone, at some time, has a Jiffy Pop moment. Who can forget the time when they saw the silver foil grow from a flat disk into a giant dome!  What innocence.

The only thing was that, as far as I could ever tell, it was virtually impossible to make the damn popcorn without burning it.

Guess what!  TIMES HAVEN’T CHANGED!

Did anyone EVER get GOOD POPCORN out of Jiffy Pop?

But times move on, I thought.  I figured, Orville Redenbacher has come and gone and has left us with near-perfect popcorn both on the stove and in the microwave (you could consider that an endorsement).  So, how complicated can corn be?  I mean, is there any shortage of MONEY in making processed corn that they couldn’t make it, well, GOOD?

Apparently so, because being otherwise required to relive my childhood through the eyes of my sons, I felt somewhat compelled to buy the way over-priced Jiffy Pop (really, $2.60 for what, 20 cents worth of popcorn and some foil?) and share “the experience” with them.

NOT DISAPPOINTED.  I expected something pretty bad and it delivered!

Jiffy Pop - It ALWAYS burnsMaybe the best childhood memories aren’t always the sweetest.  I remember trying to make Jiffy Pop when I was young but failing to make it look and taste as good as it looked on the TV commercial (as countless other toys and cereal promotions ended up disappointing me – damn you Lucky Charms!  You call THAT a “puppet”!??).  The circle is complete.  It was crap then and it’s still crap.

The good news: They still make Jiffy Pop the same way they’ve always made it.

The bad news: They always made it BAD.

Who says you can’t go back home.  Thanks to Jiffy Pop I was able to share at least one burned kernel of truth with my boys.